Asking for what you want may feel uncomfortable and awkward, which may mean you try to avoid it no matter how badly you want help. Practice will give you the experience and confidence to take bolder steps and be more assertive with your asks. Before you start shooting for the moon asking for what you want, consider these 5 tips.
- Know yourself. Knowing yourself is a form of confidence. Knowing who you are, what makes you tick, what your strengths and your weaknesses are gives you a firm foundation to know where you are coming from with your ask. The more you know about yourself, and the more self-aware you are about your limitations, the better you can be at interpersonal relationships. Striving to be whole and healthy reduces our negative traits – like arrogance, aggression, and playing the victim. People who know themselves well are decisive and self-assured. They ask for help when they need it and are less likely to be unnecessarily needy or over-reliant. This increases the likelihood they will get what they want and need.
- Be consistent. Be consistent with your expectations. Those in relationships with you will be able to better predict your behavior and may be more able to help out without being asked. If you consistently ask for help unloading the car full of groceries – and show cheerful gratitude for their help – before long, the family will start meeting you at the car when you pull in.
- Value opinions. People value us for what we value. If you want your opinions and desires to matter, be aware of the opinions and desires of others. Be inclusive, communal, and concerned about the needs of those around you – but not at the expense of your own. If your children witness you valuing what they ask of you and you present a model how to ask and to be asked, you are setting an excellent example for them as they grow.
- Be unattached to the outcome. When asking a question, no must be an acceptable answer. Otherwise, it isn’t a question – it’s a command. Be comfortable with hearing the word “no” and moving on. Asking for help and not ending up receiving it can be a bummer, but it is also an important part of reality. Sometimes people can’t help. Sometimes they won’t. Being able to regroup, move on, and either ask someone else or find a different solution is the key. Don’t let yourself be crushed and turn a rejection into personal pain.
- Practice. Practice asking. Try small, safe asks, and work up to big, bold asks whenever you can. This is like learning a new language. Asking has its own way about it, and over time you will get the hang of it.
These tips will ensure you have the foundation and the mindset you need to ask for what you want and build wonderful relationships. You’ll be living a life where asking and being asked go hand in hand.
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